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Trial Run Time Travel (Carpool Vlog)

September 8, 2021

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Sam Schindler on September 12, 2021 at 7:23 pm

I feel the exact same way as Rhett about showing people things I like in order to make a connection with them. finally someone explained how I think!

Jillian Cramer on September 11, 2021 at 4:59 pm

This topic hits home for me. Rationally I know that the disappointment only happens because of holding onto certain expectations-- but at the same time it's that same expectation and anticipation that's more than half of the enjoyment for me, and when something goes against those expectations I can feel let down and take it personally if I'm not careful. Taken to the extreme, you'll filter out the "buzzkills" only to find yourself surrounded by "yes men" eventually.

But here's an alternate spin on "just don't let it bother you" that helps me: if we can figure out how to let go of rigid expectations, we might start seeing new opportunities for that magic synergy we were missing all along :)

Timika Avery on September 11, 2021 at 10:32 am

I think the best answer is this: Not all of the people will like all of the things. If everyone liked everything we would have euphoria and all the issues we've had over the last few centuries wouldn't exist. This is why all of the people like some of the things. We've all got something in common... somewhere.

Eric Sabbagh on September 30, 2021 at 9:32 pm

I would like to add too that our dislikes can be as important as likes, especially in the sense that if everyone liked everything, then everything would eventually be boring. you need that balance to be able to recognize what's enjoyable. It's also what grows connections, liking similar things. if everyone was up for everything you wouldn't get those special bonds with someone over, for example GMM, or a love of hiking.

Timika Avery on September 11, 2021 at 6:12 pm

I meant utopia, not euphoria. But it would be euphoric if we all got along.

Alison Menzies on September 10, 2021 at 7:36 pm

Maybe 2000 years ago, the person not playing the game could watch out for the lion, so everyone else could enjoy themselves.

Competitive games cause a lot of anxiety for me. Sometimes I'm happy to watch others having fun and other times I'll feel confident enough to join in. This hasn't been a problem with my friends. They're just happy I'm there hanging out with them.

Meena Zahra on September 10, 2021 at 7:09 pm

If my friends are playing a game I'm not interested in, I know my friends will still love me if I say, "nah, you guys play. I'll watch GMM until you finish". And later when I say, "hey let's go skinny dipping" and one person doesn't wanna go, they're gonna hear me yell "alright, see ya later bro" as I run off to the beach.
I don't see a problem

Madison Christian on September 10, 2021 at 2:31 pm

i think rhett should spend a few days with someone he cares about who has debilitating anxiety and can't help not being able to do things without being physically sick and then reassess this entire conversation about "buzz-kills."

Maya Ramesar on September 10, 2021 at 1:03 pm

I like these talks, I think Rhett is very human and quite vulnerable putting out there some of the gut feelings of discomfort we have with what I think is ultimately a kind of perceived rejection or invalidation. I think people tend to take what he says in bad faith lol. It can really alienate people to feel like they have to put on a show for you. My own experience with an nparent was very "I drove you here and if you don't react how I want I'll throw a fit" and I carried some of those same habits into my early romantic relationship. "I took you to this great place and I'm enioying this bowl so why can't you at least PLAY ALONG" and then it hit me that I learned to fake enthusiasm as a survival mechanism to avoid conflict and it seriously affected my ability to communicate negative feelings lol. I am both the person who hates buzzkills and terrified of being the buzzkill, which I think Rhett might have been relating a little when he said you hate what you are afraid of being. Anways Link did a good job of putting it into perspective and listening after the initial "that's your problem" blurt. Good talk.

Rachel Nunn on September 9, 2021 at 8:32 pm

Watch almost every comment on this be a buzzkill...
You can not agree with someone's opinion and not leave mean or negative comments, just don't interact. in a similar way that if a group of friends are doing something you aren't as enthusiastic about you don't need to spread or voice your negativity about it and bring them all down. A big part of friendship is doing things you'll know they'll enjoy (even if you aren't fussed) because you enjoy them enjoying it. And then hoping that they will likewise do the same for you.

Erin Van Handel on September 9, 2021 at 11:15 am

Buzzkills only exist when you LET their mojo/feelings/energy/vibe bring you down. I can't count how many times my therapist has told me that I'm in charge of how I feel and that expectations of others are resentments waiting to happen.

When someone is into something you're not into, there's a lot of power and peace in saying, "Good for them; it's not for me" and moving on. And you can do this without making it personal or killing the buzz.

Brendon Christensen on September 9, 2021 at 5:23 pm

On the buzzkill thing...it depends. I don't really like sushi but if my friends are excited about it I'll go with them to a new restaurant and try what they want me to try. If my friends want to go to like the Arch in St. Louis with the glass bottom, I'm sitting out. My fear of heights far outweighs any fun I could have.

Monica Kiniry on September 9, 2021 at 3:41 pm

So a question was asked about respect. What makes you instantly lose respect for someone? and then I instantly lose respect for Rhett. I guess I am lucky to have a huge extended family who understands diversity. I also am always considered the life of the party simply because of my ability to have fun in almost every setting but also can sit with the person in the corner and have a great conversation. Rhett the "higher level of human interaction" that you are looking for is called empathy and compassion. Not everyone enjoys the same thing but sometimes they just enjoy the company of you! Talk less, listen more.

R.S. Rutherford on September 9, 2021 at 7:34 am

Obligatory Rhett hate-comment.

R.S. Rutherford on September 9, 2021 at 8:28 am

Okay, I watched it all now and yeah, I get why people are coming at him lmao
100% sounds like he's advocating for peer pressure. I do think people should be open to new experiences, but Link's also right, you never know what's behind the reasons people are closed off. I know personally, that as someone with pretty bad social anxiety, I feel guilty and like I'm letting people down when I don't openly go along with everyone else even if I just can't go along with it. Sometimes it isn't as simple as "okay, yes I will do this thing everyone else is doing" because as much as I wanna be that person, sometimes I'm not able to, no matter how hard I try.

Some of his examples seem like simple things people should be open to, but if it's the first example he gave that's just straight-up peer pressure.

I think maybe he just didn't explain it well enough when he started his rant, because near the end it sounded more like what most might call a "buzzkill" but in the beginning, it was sounding more like he just wanted people to go along with things they aren't comfortable with just because everyone else was doing it. And I know everybody's mama told them something like "if your friends were all jumping off a bridge would you?"

TL;DR
participating in something new in a group (board game, new restaurant, new activity, etc) is good.
being forced to participate in something new in a group (trying something gross, drinking, vandalism, smoking a weed, etc) is peer pressure. boo peer pressure.

I can relate to Rhett here though. Not on the topic, but just how it got away from him. lol
Sometimes I'll be getting into something and the more I talk the deeper I dig myself into the hole I've created. I'm sure watching this back he probably felt like "oof, should we post this?" and I'm glad they did because the rant and how it just went off the rails and Link's awkward looks on his face throughout it were priceless. lol

Beverley Smith on September 9, 2021 at 2:11 pm

this is a prickly subject that's hard to comment on without being able to discuss it with that person. I don't think anyone should feel they have to participate in something with friends if they don't want to even if they're the only one that says no, as long as they understand that the others are going to go ahead and enjoy the activity without them. If I was with friends that decided to do something that I was definitely not up for I'd say so but be fine with what they were doing. I'd hate to think a friend was judging me or having dislike for me because I wouldn't participate in something. On the other hand I agree that if someone doesn't want to participate and resents the fact that they're carrying on without them, that's out of order.

Rachel Black on September 9, 2021 at 5:28 am

I see both sides - but I am confident in what I don't like, and what I don't want to do - I'm not going to go along with something just for the crowd. However, it doesn't mean that you can't be open to experiences. I work with someone who NEVER goes out for social events, but then is rude about it when other people do, now that is a buzzkill.

Rachel Black on September 9, 2021 at 5:31 am

BTW - I love games. Haha, except for Monopoly - I get angry.

Michael Sulzbach on September 9, 2021 at 10:56 am

I'm not really a games person

Michael Sulzbach on September 9, 2021 at 10:54 am

dude Rhett I hope you are working on letting other decisions not bother you cuz for someone not to play a game that someone else doesn't want to play, so what then the group plays the game and the other doesn't big deal.

Michael Sulzbach on September 9, 2021 at 10:41 am

Rhett sounding like the way a socialist would think so cuz one person doesn't want to do something that the rest do it ruins, why does the way of thinking have to be like that?

Jessica Mueller on September 8, 2021 at 9:35 pm

Rhett... come on now. I love you dude, but it sounds a bit like what's really bugging you is your desire to impress an audience is being thwarted by someone not interested in being your audience. Someone choosing not to participate is often not a judgment of you or your chosen activity- it usually has way more to do with what's going on with them. 'Buzzkill' kinda feels like trying to manipulate or shame said person. Let it go. You are allowed to enjoy yourself without them. *hugs*

Aaron Buchs on September 9, 2021 at 3:43 am

This message is approved by Peer Pressure.

Actuallyvirtual on September 8, 2021 at 6:18 pm

I really appreciated link's level headedness here, and i liked that he wrapped the discussion that was getting a little too wrapped up in its own head in a humourous "buzzkills are the main problems in our society" way lol. im gonna open this stupidly long comment with the preface that im not really disagreeing with what rhett said (or link), just sharing my experience. i know i have been in some situations where i behaved in a way that could be seen as a buzzkill. there are many different reasons behind that that i am working on like social anxiety, former panic responses and some bad experiences with social expectations/pressure (not because it causes me to be a buzkill spesifically, it has much more serious effects on my quality of life) etc. but sometimes its just because i simply do not want to do thing and/or dont want to play this game of "is this seemingly simple thing gonna be normal/enjoyable for me or am i gonna have a reaction that im not ready to deal with". its a choice that i can recognize the side affects of, im aware that particular stance can be a deal breaker for many and i've accepted that. for everybodies enjoyment (including mine) im trying to be more open and not hide into my safe spot of "watching people enjoy things without putting myself the pressure of enjoying it actively". i dont have resentment for people who see this pattern and simply do not pursue a further future/friendship with me, that's totally understandable. thats not even a conscious choice for most of the time just a natural result of us not connecting enough as a result of my behaviour. thats my responsibility to deal with, if i weight that as a problem i need to work on right know. i do have resentment, hovewer, for people who act like im doing this just spite to them, just to kill the mood etc. after i say no to something. my behaviour might have an unfortunate after-affect of "killing the mood" (i think this is a little dramatic tho, i've never assumed myself as that much of importance to any crowd i have been in lol im just using it here because rhett said it sometimes can feel like that for him. i would be a mild annoyance at worst i think) but i don't appreciate the sudden accusatory tone/act some people take on to make it seem like im personaly reponsible for their level of enjoyment at all times simply because i've agreed to hang out with them at one point. its not the end of the world that somebody feels a little annoyed by my action, its just what it is. my one active response to that is ,sometimes there is a level of miscommunication that is the main-culprit, that i try to fix/avoid. like how im not having a miserable time "sitting at sidelines", i actually greatly enjoy watching people have fun lol and i have my own passive ways to interact with it as an attempt to make up for my inaction. ill explain that as best as i can, if my comfort level was a concern for a well meaning person who is just trying to friendly. ill try to reassure them they are not responsible for me to have a spectecular time, nor they have the power to that right know, and im actually having a pretty good time, its just that our "good time" looks a little different.
The main thing is; sure im missing out on a bonding experience at that moment but sometimes, for people like us, you need to choose your "demon of the day" and make peace with it. Its like "yeah they seemed really nice and we could become more close if i was more open but maybe i wasnt just ready, ill try harder next time/hangout in a different more suitable setting for us". one thing i never feel like im missing out hovewer, is when i come across someone that is so sure of their value as a person that they feel like i have to try my hardest to bound with them, and should feel bad for not being accomidating enough to create a "perfect" experience for them. im not good tool for that personality(and etc.) vise and i honestly have no desire to be any kind of social tool for that kind of person either. at that point its best for everybody that our interaction was short lived

Kay Shepard on September 9, 2021 at 12:42 am

IDK I have a lot of mixed feeling about calling people buzzkills. Maybe because I've been told that I am one? I have a really bad anxiety disorder and I'm also on the autism spectrum so there are genuinely things that seem very simple to others that I am uncomfortable doing. Because of that, several times in my life, I've been the person that's been unceremoniously dropped from a friend group or permanently uninvited without ever having a conversation about why and it always confused me. In my case, saying no may make me a buzz kill, but it's not as "buzzkill-y" as getting overstimulated and accidentally having a meltdown lol.

And I guess maybe it's just as simple as finding a friend group that you're better aligned with in situations like these. Actually, looking back, it makes sense now that most of my friends are neurodivergent these days.

Lindsey Busby on September 9, 2021 at 12:25 am

ok, finished rewatching all of Buddy System season 1&2, gonna need yall to come back now!! lol, jk, enjoy your break! guess I'll rewatch the livestream now that it's released. I did miss a little while showering and using the restroom 😜

Kristina Glasgow on September 8, 2021 at 3:38 pm

Great discussion.

Generally, I'm the person suggesting new experiences. New food, stores, etc. When someone suggests something, I'm Generally willing to try. If alcohol is involved at all, however, I'm the buzzkill. Just don't want to be there.

On an adjacent topic:

I am the person who absolutely gets invested in things and wants to share or discuss with others. Be it something Mythical, a song, an author, my own writing, etc.

It's an amazing feeling when what you've shared with someone resonates. Absolutely horrible if you get cut off or someone doesn't want to try what you're sharing or even hear about it.

It takes a moment to humour someone and give what they're talking about a chance. It's basic human respect.

A co-worker wouldn't stop talking about the TV show "Superstore". I gave it a chance and now I'm hooked.

I love people recommending music, books, etc. It baffles me when other people don't.

Rebekah Kiess on September 8, 2021 at 2:48 pm

Whenever I want to do something as a group and there's one person who doesn't want to join in, I definitely feel like my own experience is affected- but that's likely the people pleaser in me. I feel like I SHOULD be able to still enjoy my time (especially when the person insists they are okay with sitting it out) but I just cannot stop thinking about how someone isn't having fun and how it's all my fault. I feel guilty when someone is left out. Then I spend my time thinking about THAT rather than enjoying said thing. It can really be chalked up to anxiety I guess.

Erica Darnell on September 8, 2021 at 9:24 pm

🎵Hold on loosely...but don't let go🎵🥰
I'd like to be friends with a person who *has* horses. That way I could be friends with the person as well as the horses. Win/win.
I agree that adventure is the spice of life. I also I think it's ok to be different/have different interests but buzzkills are definitely a thing! OOH! What if a person is a buzzkill, like, only in one instance but that's atypical of them? Would they be given a pass? I could see a consistent buzzkill being irritating but is there a point up to which grace should be extended but then, once crossed, you just stop inviting them entirely? 🤔
Great topic this month. Thanks, y'all! see ya Monday for season 20!! 🖤🤘🏻

Andy Hurst on September 8, 2021 at 9:19 pm

The discussion about buzzkills is really interesting to me and really defines the difference I feel between neurotypical and neurodivergent friend groups.. myself and most of my autistic friends have absolutely been made to feel like buzzkills in nt group situations most of our lives. It has been really nice to find nd groups where if one person says "I'm not going to do this, but you all have fun and I will enjoy watching you" thats just.. taken as truth and we all move on and have a good time.

Actuallyvirtual on September 9, 2021 at 4:56 am

this is similar to my experience as well. there is learning curve to all this, ive been in social situations in the past when i simply said no to something i didnt felt like doing i was met with open or passive agressive disdain which made me feel incredibly guilty. i mistakenly relied on that guilt to "push" myself to be more accomidating which did not help at all, i would say even caused me to have harmfull experiences. much later i was able to find people who didnt take it personally when i didnt participated in a particular thing, and believed me when i told them i was having a good time despite it. this actually resulted in me being much more open naturally to try new things! pressure and guilt are a dangerous combination for anybody

Kay Shepard on September 8, 2021 at 3:19 pm

Exactly. I felt super uncomfortable with that line of reasoning at first until I identified that my autism has made me the buzzkill so many times that I'm afraid of being that person. I like that Link brought attention to the complexity of the reasoning. I also think you make a point that there's a way to say no in friend groups with established social structures where people aren't upset by "unusual" requests or withdrawal of consent. I think over time I've also become aware that say no to things is less of a buzzkill than accidentally having a meltdown because I'm overstimulated or triggered by something lol. 🤣🤣

Anyway I vibe with your post and agree with where you're coming from completely!

Caroline Harris on September 8, 2021 at 9:13 pm

My 9yo daughter has had moments of being the buzz kill in her friends group. I find it really annoys me and after listening to Rhett I feel like I have more insight into myself. I'm also someone who loves experiences and enjoying experiences with others. So when this child of mine is with her friends and I hear them say "let's play hide and seek" and she responds "I don't wanna that's boring for me" ... I feel internal anger. I'm also a mum who doesn't like to get too involved in her friendships etc because I believe she should learn her personality herself... but after seeing this I think I'll put a bit more pressure on her to be more willing to give things a go. I've definitely walked into my living room before to find 4 kids just sitting on the couch because they didn't know what to do and I'm fairly certain any suggestions presented would've been shut down by my girl. Any advice on how to teach a child to not be a buzz kill?

Everett M. on September 17, 2021 at 11:51 am

You can encourage her to try things you think she genuinely might like, but "pressuring" her? That won't cause any stress or anger on her at all. That's only gonna make both of you angry and probably cause relationship problems. Your daughter is her own person, even at 9, she has what she does and doesn't enjoy, just like you. And referring to your own daughter as a "buzzkill", and getting angry she doesn't like what you like? I'd think you were more a stereotypical older sibling than her mother. You can't "teach" them to not be a "buzzkill" you can only teach them to lie about who they are as a person, which it sounds like you're hoping to do. Truth be told, I think there's a bigger issue here than your daughter not being a clone of her mother.
Think about it.

Please, think about it.

Caroline Harris on September 18, 2021 at 8:32 pm

Such an interesting and eye opening experience reading your comment and all the other comments on this vlog.
I've got a lot of self reflecting to do. I have only ever thought of group activities with a group of people needing full participation. Though based on the comments I've been reading there should be space for some to just do their own thing and not participate.
This definitely clashes with the way I was raised and my expectations of myself. There are dozens of examples I can think of where I've done an activity I dislike because it is what the group is doing. Perhaps I should view my daughter's 'buzz kill' tendency to refuse to do things more as independence and self-worth. Maybe she's aware already at 9 that she can choose how to spend her own time. >mind blown <

Everett M. on September 18, 2021 at 9:26 pm

Gotta be honest, I was a bit worried your reply, if any ever came, would turn into an argument or judgement or something of some sorts, but the first sentence of your reply gave me immediate relief that an argument wasn't gonna happen. And I'm happy to see that it seems like you did indeed 'think about' what I said. Sure, a lot of children like a lot the same things, but some just don't and that's alright. Nobody should ever feel pressured to do something just to fit the crowd. Being unique and being able to admit you don't like something is a good thing. Personally, I feel like if her friends give her a hard time for not enjoying what they do, maybe they both need new friends, ones that do share each of their own interests if they can't get along otherwise.
Glad I could give you some advice that seems to hopefully genuinely help you some as both a parent and a person.

Caroline Harris on September 18, 2021 at 9:30 pm

I am a teacher at a school for students with intellectual impairment so I do run my classroom in an individualistic way. Students are all on individual curriculum plans and individual behaviour management plans; as such they're never expected to "fit in". Then at home I have my neuro typical child (and I'm a single parent with no extended family nearby) so I sort of try to do whatever I think is "right" to raise her to be a good person. I'm forever feeling like there are gaps in my parenting, it is the biggest challenge, I thoroughly appreciate your input.

Teresanne on September 8, 2021 at 2:01 pm

As a former buzzkill myself, I agree with Rhett, don't bring down the whole group by obtaining; you can find a way to engage with what everyone is doing even if you aren't completely into it.

Lindsay Huntoon on September 8, 2021 at 8:41 pm

Yay I love these! my favorite! I was having some mythical withdrawals this should fix it! 🤩

Adam Temple on September 8, 2021 at 3:06 pm

Same here with the Mythical withdrawals. Thank you for posting this. I miss you guys.